I wish I were there :(

Tonite I'm in tears again
maybe it's not the first time
I even feel it so many times
just for a simple reason

I'm confused now
and can do nothing but crying
always crying and never boring

mom....dad....
I'm so sorry if I drive you mad and sad
honestly I really want to
but I can't compromize with this situation
I really want to be there
But I have no effort to go there

I'm not different
I'm still your cute and stubborn daughter
I really miss you all there
But I can't go there

Dad, maybe I can't be there in your birthday
I really want to be there
But I have no compromize with this condition

Everything I will pass cus it's my decision
All I want is your healthiness there
Don't think about me, I know I can survive
It's my decision that I have to receive

All I want is your goodness
Mom, Dad,my brothers...I miss you and love you too much
even it drives me breathless and cry again
But I promise I will come to you soon
Don't forget me...
I love you all :)

would you keep your face away from me?

rain has gone
dry already come
i'm afraid it will bring me fire
cus tonite i can't compromize with these eyes
they can't be closed
there's a flame inside
I want to stop it, I don't want to keep it longer
But I can't cus absolutely I can let it be free

Totally I don't agree with something out of the rule
even the rule is un-written but we should know
it should or it should not
we have to know the rule, at least about norma that we have learned in this school of life

past is past, present is present
past has gone and present is mine now
don't threath present as the past
cus past is different with present

maybe you think that's normal
but for me that's totally abnormal
you act as an insane
you can't put your ass on the right chair
it's really disturbing me

you act as a bitch
drinking and smoking as a bitch
listening to music loudly, and you ignore everyone around you
ignoring someone who is studying to be better
don't you see that?

it's not a saloon
it's not a free place
you can do everything outside
But not here
Not here from you...
I'm not allow you...you are forbidden to me

My hands want to talk
But I say "No"
It's not the right way, i'm not like you

You know,
there's only sentence that i want you to hear from this mouth
would you keep your face away from me?
I'm sick because of you
what the hell you are!!!

bentakan-bentakanmu...sutralah...

dibentak untuk masalah yang sepele...
disalahkan untuk masalah yang sepele...
tapi kalau selalu seperti itu...
hemmm..aku tak tahu...

dibentak untuk masalah yang sepele...
disalahkan untuk masalah yang sepele...
tapi kalau selalu seperti itu...
dilakukan di depan umum...
hemmm..aku tak tahu...

who do you think you are dude!!!!
bla..bla..bla...okey I agree with you now
but i don't know for then...
silent is not always the answer
I can shout louder than you..but not here...
I know it's your border...I'm alone here
I agree with everything you do to me...even it's not the right way
but let see someday...
patience is not always the answer
I still have right to struggkle something good for me..for my future...not always following you
even I know something you say is not correct reason to be told
so...
let me keep silent now..but don't know what will happen someday

hampir menjadi batu

Hampir menjadi batu...mungkin itu yang terjadi padaku kini, tapi itulah memang yang harus aku terima karena itu sudah keputusan yang aku ambil. Baik buruknya sudah membuat aku terbiasa bahkan membuat aku seperti batu, kebal akan apapun. Dulu, aku yang sangat sensitif tak bisa menerima sedikit saja yang berbau kasar, tetapi sekarang aku harus bisa dan aku harus terima. Karena apa aku lakukan ini? aku sendiri masih mencari alasan yang akurat.

aku sudah tak hiraukan lagi sakit yang sering datang tiba2...bukan sakit secara fisik, tapi sakit yang datang ke hati ini. Kamar mandilah yang akhirnya menjadi teman curhatku.

Aku memiliki pegangan, tapi aku tidak yakin apakah peganganku itu kuat menyanggaku. terkadang, aku sedikit berpegangan padanya saja, dia sudah terhuyung-huyung dan malah membuatku menjauh. Dia tak kuat untuk menyanggaku. bahkan terkadang dia masuk kembali ke lubang induknya. Aku hanya bisa terdiam...menangis...dan kuat kembali. Seperti itulah seterusnya...dan seterusnya.

aku harus menjadi batu mulai sekarang yang kuat menerima apapun..karena aku sendiri.

bentakan2 itu mah hanya masalah kecil..mungkin nanti aku akan mendapati yang lebih heboh lagi. aku harus kuat dan menjadi batu mulai sekarang..tapi cuma satu pintaku, kamar mandi masih selalu menjadi teman terbaikku.

I am crying again!!!!!
Full in My Mind but afraid to tell

Miss You Mom..Miss You Dad...Miss you brothers...I love you all
I am proud of You all
I don't know how to say thank you
But...I won't make you dissapointed again

dad..always wishing you for the best...getting well soon dad...
mom...you are my hero...i'm so lucky to have you...
brothers...get your success..i want to see you happy...
I am here now...far from you...cus of my decision, but I'm not sorry...

I love You All Too Much...
Forgive me for this...

sucking day meeting my old friend

it's not rarely when we meet someone who celebrate his birthday, we will say happy birthday, wish you all the best, get your lucky and success in career and life, getting more mature than before bla..bla..bla...just a formal quotation, just a symbol or just a wish and sentence, just to make happy someone who celebrate that birthday, just to prove for a respect. But will it be proved with an action from him? I wonder about that.

I found someone, i still remember, he was my classmate when we were in elementary school in a small town. Although i only took 2 years study there, but absolutely i remember how he was.

in 1995, yess i still remember about the year also, he was really selfish. He acted as if he was number one, the most gorgeous person. Forget it, he was just 12 years old, still in progress to find his way.

day by day, with the increasing age and life experience, hoping life and ourselves will be better than long long time ago. but maybe it's an heredity or maybe it's absolutely his character and it's difficult to be changed and he will not have self-confident if he loose it...so selfish is still number one. Poor you man!!!

You know guys, i found him a few days ago. Get down to the earth boy!he is still the same like when he was 12 years old. Still showing how amazing he is, but absolutely drove me sick.Who do you think you are man??? No influence for me. You tell everything so high about you..ehhmm...Poor you!

Sometimes when we meet our friend who we never meet for so long time, we will so pleased..we will tell about embarassing old story, asking for the other friends, sharing about work, telling your stay, your family, etc..anyways telling about something that we have missed so long and fun. But yesterday..it's so fucking day to chat with my old friend.

He told me so high about his job, under-estimated me...as if he showed me how great he is right now with his job , with his surrounding, and with his " new friends " who he thought that they are really " influenced friend ". Damn you!!!

Still the same like 15 years ago. No changing no progress. yeah...everything depends on the person.although people screams " go go go ", but your foot don't want to move..so you won't move and stuck in your place. nothing can change you to better but you. yess...you are the answer..yourself is the answer...your desire is the answer...your ambition is the answer..and your dream is the answer..your move to better is the answer..not just a formal words..but reaction and willing are the answer..and only you that can manage them all to reach your peak of being better than before. Thank you my oldfriend..nice to meet you again in my sucking day.

I'm not your slave

I always try to be good
ignoring everything you make cus i think you are a good friend
but day by day i feel so suck
i can't live with these

just leave it after you make it
just ignore it after you break it
just throw it after you eat it
and just make a dirty of place and mind

day by day so boring with everything like these
I'm not your servant, I'm not your slave
we are the same but so different
we are so beautiful but you are less

I can do nothing
I have no power
so just let everything clean and clear and keep it in my white heart alone

being my emotional training..okey deal for it...
ough poor me so so...
even having an hold but it doesn't make me save...
okey deal for patience training...
ough but poor me so so...